living in the now

Every time I hear a song that makes me think of something in the past, or reminds me of a certain time in my life, I have this combination of joy and discomfort, usually discomfort being the predominate feeling, and I feel the urge to cut the music off. Or if I’m looking at photographs that bring me back to a place I’ve been or a person I’ve loved, I have this feeling in my gut and I put the picture down. Pretty much anything that reminds me of the past, for some strange reason, puts a knot in my stomach and I just want to put it out of my mind. I don’t really understand this reaction, because most of the things are good things. Usually they remind me of good times. Times I shared with friends or family. Times when my life was better. Times when I was happier. And that might be my answer right there. I avoid these things because they make me face my own unhappiness and discontent with my life now. Somehow, even though I’m sure in the past I’ve been unhappy, I have categorized these memories as a time when things were great.

But the fact is, things weren’t ever really that great. I think humans do this. That’s why you hear older people talk about the “good ol’ days.” They have categorized their memories into a block of time where things were better and they were happier, and that helps them cope with their current unhappiness with themselves or they way they or the world around them are. Not that they didn’t have good times. I’m sure they did. We all have. Most people are able to reflect on these and get a good feeling. But for some reason, I can’t do that. I don’t sit down to think of them. I avoid them with every ounce of my being. When that knot shows up in my stomach, I immediately get rid of whatever it was that brought it there and distract myself with something else. Usually, I spend my time worrying about my future. That is how I’ve chosen to avoid the past. I get this feeling that this isn’t what God wants. In fact, I get the feeling God wants something totally different.

I think He wants me (and everyone) to be happy in the now and sit right down in the middle of now and enjoy it. There’s nothing wrong with remembering the past or planning for the future. But when you are so consumed with one or the other like I am, I think it becomes an unhealthy thing, and you eventually develop ways of escaping one or the other. In my case, I worry about the future to put the past out of my mind, and I end up not enjoying what is happening right now. I forget that my life isn’t just things that have happened or will happen, but that my life is now, and in reality, that’s all I’m really guaranteed. That’s all any of us are guaranteed. If we don’t appreciate the now and live in it, we are going to miss out on a lot in our lives. And lately I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and to be quite honest, I don’t want to spend my life ignoring the now. I want to jump in it and swim in it. I want it to completely saturate me, and in doing so, be completely saturated with the Love that put me here. With the One who created the now. And I want to thank Him for the wonderful things that have happened already in my life and not be afraid to relive those and feel the joy or the sorrow all over again. Because what is life if not a series of events that stir our souls in one way or another? If I ignore those and numb myself to feel everything I’ve ever felt or what I am feeling right now, then am I really alive?